What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 12:02
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was in good health!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why is there so much hate against black people?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She loved him until the end.
Ive learnt so much.
If there exists a “New York of Australia”, is it Sydney or Melbourne?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was 9 years of age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And i lived it daily.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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I was scared of men, in general
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Was to survive, this bastard.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why, after a divorce, would one still want to ruin the other one’s life?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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I never cut or harmed myself..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Teens like me, what are your expectations when entering adulthood?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My life is so biszare .
I think the readers, may guess!
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My family never makes their pension either.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So whats the point in blame.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But ive been too sick for many years..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She wouldn,t have been !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I will be 64.
One cannot live in the past .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I said to her
Especially a lifetime of it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im still living with it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But, we were locked up after school.
Who then, do I blame.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She married twice! .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why did i forgive my father ?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We all went to grammer schools
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I waited trembling.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She found it foreign!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I don,t even have a pension.
So, i spoilt her more .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He knew the spot.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was seconnd youngest,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We were not on the streets..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was very sick at this time too.
What did i know ?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Comes on , in middle age.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
It was going to be , some day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is soul school!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I have no regrets .
Put me off passion for life!!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But it wasn’t much.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Would this be the day?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
All the time i was locked up.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.